So I will attempt to sketch and to write things down by hand here and there just to see how far I’m recovering. In a blog post that I did, Recovering The Use Of My Hands, I shared with you the samples of my handwriting from a month after I was hospitalized and then some more recent samples. It’s no exaggeration when I say that I lost all muscle strength. And the first picture shows how much effort it took just to write what I was writing and it’s barely legible. The only reason I know what it says is because I remember struggling to try to write it. It was absolute heartbreak when I wasn’t able to communicate clearly what I was trying to say. Especially since I’ve been a writer all my life, from the time I could put pencil to paper and write words.
Drawing is another thing though. I had a lot of messages that I told myself I wasn’t able to draw well. And there’s no reason why I have this particular bully in my head! Like nobody’s ever told me that I wasn’t able to do it. But for some reason, I developed this idea that I’m not able to do it. Even though I’ve spent considerable time attempting different art styles and sketches. I actually was in a program, while in college, where I had to keep a sketch book for a whole semester to be part of the final grade. Like I’ve done this before, but yet every time I put pencil to paper to try and draw something, up jumps the devil.
Now I have the additional issue confronting me - the bully/devil in my own brain and the physical limitations due to disability. Today I was attempting to draw my sippy cup and came face-to-face with that old devil, but he had new ammunition! ‘Not only can’t you draw this because you’re not talented enough, you can barely hold this charcoal! You can’t do this! You’re just not talented enough to figure it out! You can’t even hold a pencil right, let alone figure out how to use it to draw something! You’re still using a spoon to feed yourself for Christ’s sake, what makes you think you’re gonna be able to draw anything?’ I mean it was full on assault. I experienced this almost fearful hesitation to even put the charcoal to the paper. And I’m thinking to myself, ‘how ridiculous is this?’ I’m sitting here intimidated by an old, crusty devil. A devil I first encountered my freshman year in high school, during an art class I was super excited to be taking with an incredible art teacher. I got started, and I felt defeated almost immediately. I think the biggest problem for me at that point and now is perfectionism. I want it to look excellent. I want it to look perfect, and I want it to look perfect the first time. And when your drawing things by hand, after those hands become severely disabled, it can feel like defeat before you even start.
